They do look out for me

‘Mummy I think you should start dieting again. You are getting fat.’ These were the words of my older daughter. Lately they have both been implying that I have added a lot. I do know I need to get back on track. I haven’t worked out in over 4months or more! My feeding habit is not as healthy as it used to be…my shirts don’t button conveniently any longer so yes I know these little ones are right.

I know there is no excuse when one has to get back on track. You just create the time and do it. Heck when I was really into it, I did not have time to work out till 11pm but I was consistent. Now though I am still working and not done working till well past midnight sometimes 1.30am. sincerely, I am still looking for the ‘space’ in my night (morning cant fly as I have to wake up 4am to be out by 5.30am. I cant afford to wake up earlier than that with the time I go to bed). In the meantime, I may just have to focus more on the healthy eating which is actually supposed to be easy…

Oooh Lord there is something horrible about sitting at home though, you will just be eating and eating either because you don’t want the leftover to go to waste or just because you are bored. I hardly eat three proper meals normally but this one I am home I eat three proper meals improperly.  I even indulged in ice cream when I took my kids out today. Shame on me sha! I need help in getting back on track. I want my proper size 10 body back before I am back to work. I know what to do. I truly do but I need something to kick start me. Something or someone. I just really need a miracle to get back on track. I don’t ever want to be called fat again …ever.

Even the kids can parent the adult. 

MOMMY PLAY WITH US....

Wow! It is almost a year after the last post. So much for my attempt at keeping  a diary…let alone an open one.

At the time I started with this diary, I had a 9-5 job and my online store where I sell ladies apparels mainly (on several platforms). As I write, I still do both except I now run a logistics business. Were my last two posts not saying something about me not having enough time for my kids? Call me crazy. Adding more to what I do instead of trying to cut down on that. *sigh*.  Anyways, we get by somehow. Not much has changed.

Unfortunately, like this time last year, my nanny is about to leave for good.  I am on vacation as usual…I mean I am off my 9-5 work till next year so I do not have to run out of the house by 5.30am for now. The husband is not in the country and this would have been a good time for Bola to be around for longer. Remember Bola, the me before I became a mommy and a wife… that one that is almost forgotten but still struggling to exist? I was out with my bestie some days ago. I asked to join her and some of her other friends to the beach. I honestly believed that would be very relaxing considering the immense pressure I had been under in the last few weeks…workwise. I was probably only relaxed for a bit. She asked me: ‘hope you had fun?’ Me: ‘ha yes o I did’. (big lie lol). Which fun now, when half the time I was trying to reach my riders to know if they were able to get fuel to do the deliveries for the day, another part of the time I was trying to calm my clients down and reassure them that they would get their packages delivered same day. As soon as it was 5pmish, mommyness jumped in and I could not push away the guilty feeling like ‘how are the kids? I am sure they wish I was with them. I am sure they are so bored at home considering there might not be power supply etc etc’. I finally got on the journey back home and kai! The traffic ehh. Maaad. I did not get home till around 9pmish.

We are home…me and the girls….they want me to ‘play with them’. I took them out for breakfast earlier today and they were happy but they are constantly asking me if I will be at home till they resume. Constantly wanting to know if I have anywhere to go the next day. All they want is for me to sit at home with them or if I have to go out then we all must. Is there a way I can make the house interesting for them while I am away as there are days I will definitely need to go out without them? Is there a reason they always want me around or is it that there is something I am not doing right? We danced together today….this and a few other little things are ways we bond or ways I think we can bond. Still….doesnt seem enough for them.

…looks like I need to do more parenting.

They are always in my face. Lol

So for about a month now, i have been without a nanny/maid. It has been just us- the kids, hubby and I. While i was on leave the first few days...oh i think i have actually been without a nanny for more than one month! ....it was not so bad as I took the opportunity to bond with the girls. We hardly have such real time for mummy/daughter so yes, It felt like a worthy sacrifice.
Then time to go back to work and here i am still with no one to assist. *sigh*.  I have to set out and leave for work 5.30am and will not be back till around 7pm (on days when there is no traffic o). Hubby helps to get them ready and does school runs but his work entails a bit of travelling so there are days he will not be around for this. I fear a day like this is coming soon. When they are back from school, they have to be at my neighbour's. Oh, Cindy has been amazing! Yes, we have been neighbours since 2011, we became friends but drifted apart again in the last three years. Now, needing her support I cannot undermine the absoluteness of what she is doing. She not only shelters them till i get back, she also do a bit of academic work with them. Em, i am still thinking of the best way to show my gratitude.
Ok, what is this really about? I have been a stay-at mom once before and i have compared with being a working mom, it is so much harder being the former. The work is indescribable especially when you have no maid. Now having to combine being a working mom and no maid is something i have never had to do for such a long time especially with two kids (9yrs and 7yrs). I am in the living room, they are with me. I try to escape to hide and get a me-time in the room, they are right there in the room or hanging by my window giving me the 'you are ignoring us' look. PHCN is not helping as maybe they could have occupied themselves with TV whenever i needed to 'getaway'.
They are almost always having something to report the other for. And the smart 9yr old asks, 'mummy did you beg God to give you children?' i said yes, without realising the trap question. And she goes, 'so why do you complain that we disturb you?' I gritted my teeth (by the way, i just paused to yell at them. lol, i try not to but its hard when they are making so much noise. ok i need to chill) and just did not respond.
I must admit though, this has made my girls a bit more independent. My 9yr old now sweeps and once mopped the floor. Oh, she does dishes too, takes out the trash and washes under wears and socks. My 7yr (she is almost 7), wipes dusts from furniture. That one is quite naughty so well, we still have to just push her a bit to do little chores. while her sister is filling the water reservoirs in the bathrooms , she is just going up and down trying to make more trouble. One small spank is ok, she will cry and sleep and we will have some peace. lol. Suddenly, cooking is not fun. I spent hours standing in the kitchen yesterday after making an attempt to clean my room.
I am hoping somehow i am able to get a nanny by the end of this new week. I write this as i am also looking round at my untidy living room. I have to go now.
-Parenting has no manual.

They need me

So this morning, i woke up by 4am as usual to get ready for work. When it was past 5am and almost time to get out of the house and be on my way to the office, i remembered i did not see the girls the whole of the day before. I forgot to wake N1 to say her prayers before i left and i did not get home till past midnight. Erm, yes, there was mad traffic. Ok, back to this morning, i went into their room to wake them up but N1 was up and coming out of the room already.

N1; mummy i did not see you at all yesterday. you forgot to wake me up to pray and now you are going again. *hugs me*.
i walked into their room and woke N2 up. We all exchanged pleasantries and i was on my way out of the house.
My work entails visiting clients all over. So earlier, i was out working around the house and not so far off from the girls' school. I was so tempted to stop by and pay a surprise visit to them in school. They would have been over the moon. And then i remembered i would not visit without tipping teachers and right now, i am a bit tight on cash so i decided against it.
I got  home tonight a little past 7.30pm. I hugged the girls and asked if their lesson teacher came by to revise the test they will be having tomorrow with them. Yes she came around. That is settled. Next is them jumping after me as i entered each rooms.

Me: what was for dinner?

N1: sweet potato poridge. very very sweet.
Minutes later, N1: mummy do you know what big mummy (their nanny) did today? i almost cried. because my hijab got stained with poster color when i was rushing she said i always liked to come back dirty while other people are clean. and i told her it was a mistake o.

Me: she was only correcting you. she wants you to always stay neat. she has not said anything wrong.
more minutes later now in my room,

N1: mummy i want to tell you something but i am scared. should i?

Me: ( a bit anxious as usual) yes please tell me.

N1: ok but i am scared. dont worry i wont say it again.

Me: say it. i am your mum. you should tell me everything.

N1: you know yesterday i did not see you at all? you go to work early and come back late, its like you dont have time for us.
Ok i was not expecting this. , Me: Erm, i know. you are right. but i do try hard to create time for you. i work far from the house so i have to leave early and i get to come back late. that is why the first thing i ask when i get back is about your school and if you have eaten. i also try to give atleast  a day of saturday or sunday for you that i do not go out. ( i was panicking and hoping i was convincing to them... and me).

N2: daddy works close to the house. why cant you work close to the house? please get an office near the house.

Me: i am trying to get a job nearer home.

N1: why cant you work in my daddy's office?

Me: because they did not give me a job there. i work elsewhere.

N1: daddy too do not have time for us. with all his travellings.

Me: but he does. he deliberately creates time to go drop you off in school every mornings if he is around so he can spend time with you.
Both girls exchanged looks and smiles,

N1: no he does not. he does not talk to us when we are going to school.


Me: so talk to him. he will answer you.

N2: when we talk he will tell us to keep quiet because he wants to listen to news.
Me: well ok we both try. when you are older and parents you will understand it can be sometimes difficult. but we will try harder ok?

N1: yes like the day you woke me up that your fone broke and you needed me to come and console you. that morning you wanted to spend time with me yes?

Me: yes like that morning. and the other mornings i wake u up pretending to need your help. it is really so that we can spend sometime together.
.............parenting is never easy.

First of all

So first of all a little introduction so as to have a bit of background information of me. I am Phaozee, wife and mom of two. My daughters are N1 and N2. I used to be Bola (never mind the difference for now) but i somehow got lost along the line while becoming a wife and mom. Yea. Sometimes i still 'find' the Bola in me but she always has to run off to hide whenever i have to be a wife or mummy...which is literally all the time! I have always had a diary. Atleast, Bola always did. I have not kept one since I became a wife and mummy. Let me see how far i can go in keeping an open diary. Enjoy.